no day but..

my four hours of sleep last night contribute to current state of perturbed. along with every single-dingle SF State freshman and the entire drama club of most of the Bay Area's high schools, I went to the midnight showing of RENT last night. (a fine movie, lots of crying, tweaked from the original, nice musical variations, but doesn't destroy the need or the immediacy of the theatre version.)

leaving the house this morning, it was decided that the manfriend would NOT be attending the dinner we have been planning for months with my fellow Poland visitors on the occasion of a visiting Canadian from said Poland trip. it's at his favorite restaurant. he's eaten with the group, sans Canadian, before. but when he asked/demanded, "I hope I get credit for this!" I released him from his duty.

hanging out with my friends or people who are very important to me who really want to get to know him shouldn't be viewed as a task. it's called being a supportive boyfriend.

this morning's passive-aggressive decision to attend swim practice, which I had to pull out of him after a period of silent treatment (real mature, Mr. 45 year-old) came after last night's stellar performance as anti-social flickr addict. back turned my movie-attending friend, silently sorting his photographs. like his does first thing in the morning. and when he gets home from work. or from a photo shoot.

after multiple chidings and requests to engage with the rest of us, thus ending all awkward silences making me feel unwelcome in my own home, he fell asleep on my lap because I was rubbing his head. since we had time to kill, aforementioned friend hopped online to check his email, then proceeded to share different grafitti and street art URLs that I should check out. manfriend poked his head up a few times, as well.

this morning, he had the gall to compare silently withdrawing into the clicking open and closed of windows to GT's sharing the knowledge and generating discussion. sorry, babe. no dice. your behavior was different. and besides, you had already fallen asleep.

and now, my company holiday party is in question. I want him to be there. I suspect I could be getting an award (not hoping, just a smidge of information upon which I'm making assumptions). but I don't want to attend with someone who's begging to leave, asking, "Won't you see them next week? What's the big deal?"

I'd rather take someone who loves me and wants to share in my life. not just attend as a requirement. I guess that's what friends are for.

back to RENT. it hurts a bit more because I was all weepy and sad during the movie, as I recognized issues I haven't dealt with and manfriend's serostatus and eventual future.

why do I expect more from him?

earlier - later