2005-07-11

flusteration

it must have been hot today, and the fog still hasn't rolled in. when I left the office, it smelled like a beachside tow. briney air triggering memories of summers on the other side of the country.

there was a smell in the garage of my building too. I smelled it this morning, but a warm day enhanced the fetid reek. I still don't know on what day which city services come. heck, I don't even have control of my own mail. we were given only one key, and since I'm not typically the first one home, that responsibility falls on him.

I'm feeling slightly off, well, very off. it's been for weeks, if not months. driving home tonight, I think I pinpointed a possible cause.

I don't feel special.

I know I am. in fact, I'm one of the most incredible people I know. but there's a constant nagging or doubt that plagues me. I'm not doing anything to earn it, so am I really unique?

blah, blah, blah, typical ennui, but I think there's something to it. I was raised to perform, earn a grade, prove myself. I wanted to be liked, yet different, and I cultivated that attention. on paper, I'm still pretty fabulous, but there's a black hole of needing to be better.

right now I'm not running or competing like I used to. ironman triathlons and ultramarathons make you stand out in a crowd. but to my own mind, I knew I was a fake because I never trained to my potential and coasted on the base volume.

my synchro isn't going so great, either. I'm not seeing improvement, nor am I putting in the time that it requires... alas.

I'm not feeling "in" my body.

Shit. I wanted to go on about work and stuff, but my CD drive is freaking out. enjoy that peek.

earlier - later