2003-07-07

neurotica

goodness gracious!

a whole day of surfing diaryland and various blog-related sites to find something interesting to read or a good template. what am I doing?

if I'd only sit down and devote so much time to my actual job, I'd get a heck of a lot more done and relieve myself of a ton of guilt. but enough of this superficial blog talk.

I'm struggling with my stalking issues post-reconnection with the manfriend.

Background:

we were broken up for 8 months. my choice. although we spoke daily, and saw each other weekly, often sleeping together, not necessarily having sex. he obviously was getting action (as was I). it was just a big surprise that he was doing this while still maintaining contact with me. all's well between us now, I have no reason to doubt. our weekend was wonderful. this morning was particularly loving. there hasn't been an evening spent alone since June 9 (his return from Deutchland). he's excited to be back together as am I.

Problem:

goddamn Friendster has given me the image of two people he's slept with (one the inspiration to get back together, as I saw them post-fuck). the other is the on-again-off-again kid who works in a different office and program than his work. he never wanted to date him, but he's told me they'd see each other, have day sex, take nekkid pictures (that he used to get other sex dates), trade painkillers for Viagra. too much information for this jealous mind?

Confession:

I've hacked into his computer (hacked sounds so glamourous, more like discovered his passwords since he write them and leaves them in his top drawer). so I can sign onto his computer, peruse his browser history and old emails, log into his Friendster and personal email accounts, figure out how to view his work webmail. I've seen the craigslist ad he posted and his guyprofiles.com profile, but his match.com ad appears to have disappeared. yes, this is total invasion of privacy.

Analysis:

it gives me plenty to worry about, but not really. that was the past. He's told me how the kid's house was a bit of a rat hole. how he's totally emotionally unstable, anti-depressant/therapy'ed out (did I mention the pill-poppin' thing?). Just a messy trustifundian who can't get his shit together, and whose parents help subsidize his non-profit job. the kid wants some distance upon hearing that my manfriend and I are back together. although he's a "really nice guy" and obviously somewhat intelligent, I shouldn't be threatened by him, even if they did fuck. I'm sure I'll meet him at some point, I just have to trust manfriend that he's committed to me. he's never given me any reason to doubt.

Conclusion:

what's good is that I'm only threatened by kid trustifundian. the others I see as just sexual interactions. I have to believe him when he says no one ever slept over. he never had sex in the bed. people were kicked out after orgasm. when I'm with my manfriend, I don't stress. it's when I'm at work, apart, that I start my mind racing. I'm trying to cut back on the stalking, as it's not helping me be happy. I don't know what I'm trying to find, why I want to be unhappy. it's pretty much grounds for dumping my ass, should it ever come to light. I was hoping that typing this would help release some of my worries. give me perspective.

now, we haven't even gotten into my age issues (if that wasn't already aparent - 22 for post-fuck, 26 for the kid), nor my racism (since I found a gay.com ad saying, "Asians a +++," manfriend developed a taste for other than my lily white ass). Not that it matters, but kid is honkey and post-fuck bike messenger is half Asian. the race issue is something I'm comfortable working on. I understand and accept that I have racism, that society conditions it. it's the age thing that's deeper. it's always been present. must be the curse of being a young-looking guy, and my recent departure from my 20s. if I'm so dismissive of those younger than me, why am I so threatened by them? take that to your therapist and cry.

I don't have any fun pictures to add to this entry, not that I'm planning of having a photo with each and every write-up. just wanted to spew this crap so I can finally begin my day... it's 5:08 pm.

whoops, I forgot to work today!

earlier - later