2005-05-24

deep thoughts

I've never done a drug. well-conditioned by my father's relationship to alcoholism and believing Nancy Reagan's hype, I feared for my precious few brain cells. my mind was a terrible thing to waste.

I never understood the need to release, to escape to hide, to lose oneself. I kind of like myself. I already know how to have fun, and no amount of sloppy silliness could enhance that. there are no inhibitions to lose. sure there were and are issues, but nothing that I knew I could eventually cope with.

that desire to hide from oneself, to leave this life and be free, to explore beyond whatever barriers confine has never been that great. I deal. I get by. everything happens for a reason. a deadly mix of Zen and evangelical predestination. I'm not perfect, of course, that's why Jesus died for me. besides, there's no need for attachment. it's just not my style to sneak around my own life, in hopes of not being noticed. right hand, this is my left.

granted, there are plenty of people who use responsibly. and I support you. I just don't need it for myself. the ones I worry about are the scared people who can't face themselves. flight is their only option. and, I guess, this really isn't even about drugs.

don't go hiding in dark corners. don't passively hope to be swept away in a river of your own making. look at yourself in the light and make a conscious choice. you have to live with yourself. no one else has to know. but you gotta find love for yourself.

and, even if you can't be proud, be at peace.

earlier - later