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HMA: I realized two things last night.
T: yes
HMA: First, I've chosen to be on a safe route... to do a mainstream job to give me lots of money to pay for a mortgage. The stress is the price I need to pay for the security and safety and the comfort.
T: yes
HMA: I'm not pursuing my passion, but I'm pleasantly coasting. I can't expect my job to bring me creative fulfillment. It's not my dream, it will never be.
HMA: The thing I realized this morning was about creativity art and dreams.
HMA: Pursuing all of those things takes time... coworkers who are leaving (Heidi) worked hard for a year to get into grad school, music friends suffer (ChrisO) for their craft, artists or people with their own business assume a lot of risk but are dedicated
HMA: I have a orthedontic attitude towards goal fulfillment.
HMA: I want it to be like braces: Someone puts them on my teeth and I passively wait for the changes to happen. Sure, they need adjusting, but there's no practice on my part, no effort, no commitment.
T: :-)
HMA: So, if I want to follow my dream, blah blah blah, it's not about wearing braces, but doing the work. And the work in and of itself needs to be rewarding, because there may never be that big payoff that I hope for.
T: wow yeah
T: I think you need realistic goals
HMA: nothing earthshattering, nothing that I didn't already know, but there is a cycle of frustration and looking outward and whining not moving forward to what I want or figuring out what that is.
T: like learning the bass, knitting, making movies, etc all at the same time sets you up for failure
HMA: yup.
HMA: though the amp and bass look mighty fine in the living room.
T: and then gives you more things to feel bad about
T: nice :-)
T: It's like pick one, the one that makes you happiest and dedicate time to doing that
T: and just let go of the other stuff
T: realize it's ok if you never get to it
HMA: Yeah... synchronized swimming is nice right now, because it's just a gay thing. It's more social and not attached to joining Cirque du SoGay or winning the Olympics.
HMA: I can control (to a point) my progress by how much time I devote to it.
T: yeah
T: also it's this perpetual cycle of consummerism
T: you need to keep buying shit
T: to take on new hobbies
T: although the shit you have to buy is good shit
T: it's not like blowing money on total crap
HMA: yeah... I try to limit my hobbies, and want to look to them for creative outlet. Let work be just that. Work.
T: yeah
HMA: Until I figure out what passion motivates me and can help me pay the mortgage, I'm stuck here.
T: it's just a job
T: but then also look at all the ways your job is good
T: like yoga class
T: support for your athletic activities, etc.
T: a lot of people don't have anything close to that
HMA: I haven't been taking advantage of those perks... I need to make sure I'm making this job fun or else I'll drive myself insane.
T: yeah
HMA: so that's my story of hope...
HMA: I missed you last week. And I miss you today.
earlier - later
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